Thursday, October 29, 2009

Learning about Loneliness...

I think God leaves me alone to let me find my own strength

because no one else can give it to me.
Sometimes it is very lonely.
But I know the lonely times teach me the most.
I must let go in order to let anything in.
No one can love me, for me.

~ Sabrina Ward Harrison

I am learning. I think we are all learning as we go through life - learning about ourselves, learning about our spouses, learning about life and how to live it honestly and fully in each and every moment.

All you stay-at-home moms can relate with this - you just get lonely when your husband is gone. Whether it be a normal 8-hour work day or a week-long business trip, it's tough to get through the day without your partner. And yes, there are little ones at home to keep you company, yet it's times when you are alone with them when it's hard to look past parenthood as a chore and see it as a gift. And in those times, I can honestly say I yearn for the days when it was just me...just me and my work without anyone to answer to, without any responsibilities beyond myself.

Now how selfish does that sound???? REALLY?! As much as I didn't really see myself as that typical stay-at-home mom, I have assumed that role. And I do try to make time for my creative side and have a successful side business that is going extremely well. Yet WHY do I always desire more? Even when I was just by myself, I was STILL lonely and desired, what else...companionship and the sound of cooing babies and pattering feet.

Lonely moments do teach me the most. Sometimes it is simply a moment in reflection. Sometimes it is a quick tearful release. One thing that loneliness has taught me is that sometimes we need to just let go. By giving up control and by loosening the tight grip we have around our lives, our blessings are revealed in the most unusual ways. It is the little grins from my 3-month-old at 2 am that get me through the night. It is the hugs around my legs from my 2-year-old that get me through the mornings. It is the text messages that my husband sends me before his planes take off that get me through the afternoons.

And though I feel lonely, I know that I am never really by myself. There is more that lives within me than just myself, and it is the moments of chaos and the moments of quiet where I can touch the One that is beyond me and bigger than me. And I realize that lonely times really do teach me the most.

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